I Find Myself

by adyr123

Seven am is the hour I wake up everyday, on some occasions, I get up and begin my usual jog to the gym, lift weights on a specific muscle, and release endorphins to make the day bright and sunny. On other occasions, I make my tomatoes and eggs, as the kettle prepares to sing its high pitch note in the key of, water is ready, while bossa nova plays in preparation for work.  Months have gone by since I last lived in DTLA and throughout the process of repetitive behavior of, gym, thought, dance, practice, I find  myself doing things that I forgot that I use to do, such as, laugh, smile, sing my days, etc. I would find myself enjoying a walk without worries of upsetting others, not having to answer to others to explain my actions, actually feel vulnerable to ask a question whether it is silly or not, and talking to close people around me and sharing my experiences in life, I realized my reasons for all this to happen. I’M FINDING MYSELF.

I’ve been recently studying about the scariest thing that we all fear, it’s a feeling where all walls have to be dropped and where we have to give in to the self and not to society. It’s called vulnerability. To be vulnerable is quite scary because in order to experience it and attempt to live that way, we have to brake the walls of shame.

For years I lived in shame, I didn’t feel good enough, I compared myself to my loved ones and partners, attempted to be perfect in all ways, and if it wasn’t, I fell into an anxiety or depression that caused me to drink, etc., and it would make me forget all problems, but as a temporary relief, sobriety would return and so would my issues. I closed myself off to all, to people who truly loved me, even myself. Around march of this years was when I said, ENOUGH.

“ADYR, ENOUGH, STOP MOPPING, STOP ALLOWING THE CLOUDS SHAME SLOW YOU DOWN.”

I read books on shame, vulnerability, and within reading, I realized that “I” was compassionate, lacked courage, and needed connection. I feared solitude. Why? Lack of love within myself. many people around me seemed to have their life together, and at 35, I felt that my “shit should’ve been together.” I was embarrassed about my path in life and where I was,

“‘I’m 35, bartender, I traveled, modeled, acted,  but what now?” as the cigarette in my hand gets lit,” what drives you Adyr, what wakes you up in the morning and keeps you going?” as I sip my coffee. ” why do you feel like nothing good happens, your lucky, you saw the world, had a career that people would kill for, your smart, good looking (hahaha I sound conceited there), what’s wrong with you?”  I exhaled and watched the sun set from my window.

I recall watching this girl fight with her boyfriend outside my place, as an old man waddles by with his head down, a mother on her phone as the nannies pushes there stroller with her kid, cause we all know her Samsung galaxy lifestyle makes it hard to walk her kid, and I wonder, “what’s their stories?” Why is the couple fighting, why is that old man Soo sad looking, and hell, why can’t she push her own kid instead of protecting her Samsung and LV bag.

Of coarse I laughed, then put my shirt on, looked at myself in the mirror for a few seconds and examined myself, flaws and all and said to myself, “adyr your a fucking idiot. your cool, you make people smile, laugh, your carefree,”

I continued, “remember when you never cared and the world was your oyster? It still is adyr, love, love everyone and everything. Be the care free man you once were, be that boy inside that was once curious, and smiled and believed everything was worth it even if it failed.” I smiled and put on some music by TOCO and finished my coffee.

Its been months since I saw that sad miserable face in the mirror. I laugh and laugh because I truly like it. I genuinely smile, and it brightens Peoples hearts around me.

Marco, my old friend I talked about earlier in my posts commented, “adyr you’ve changed, in a good way. You smile more and dance when we go out instead of sitting in the sidelines, of all my friends, your my favorite.” I blushed, not in a romantic way, but blushed, and thanked him. Then we both laughed as we watched the police on Melrose arrest a drunk man, and reflected on our pasts, experiences. Man we both had some crazy stories, but all in all, they were amazing experiences.

So now I don’t fear my loneliness, because in the long hall, are we ever truly alone? NOPE. Within my facing of my fear of loneliness, I began to connect with others, I accepted that I will have my days of solitude, but it would be all productive experiences alone, and within these positive thoughts, I will connect, and be much more courageous within my self. I stepped up to the plate with everything since then, I didn’t fear what other people thought anymore. I found out a lot about myself,

I’m experemely stubborn with my thoughts, I’m very impatient, I LOVE, truly love, I’m very compationate (although I can  be a bit of an oxymoron), but all and all I’m awesome, like my name “Adyr, in Hebrew means AMAZING,” and as life goes on, I will find out more about myself that will make me laugh, yell, and cry. I’m human, I can’t help it hahahahaha.

Remember this, God, will never give you anything you can’t handle, then smile and be fucking courageous.