LET IT GO

by adyr123

Stranded in a cave and pitch black, the type of black where you can’t even see you own hand and inch from you face, my nerves run a muck. Believe me these nerves, or shall i say fears,  are the worst in the world, worse than the type where you think your partner is having an affair and you think about it all day, picture them kissing, caressing, etc. Or the type when you drink and smoke at the same time and you pray to God,

“please don’t let me die, i promise i wont drink or smoke again,” then attempt to wipe your face, look at the floor, toilet bowl that’s stained with you meal earlier that day,  and focus on no more dizziness, so, this cave is pitch black, and some moaning can be heard. In an instant, I magically happen to have a torch in my hand, and so I figure,

“hell, I bet I have matches or a lighter in my pocket,” LHM (Lord Have Mercy) there is a plain, open canvassed, Zippo, ready to light. I light, the torch lights, and the moans reveal a cell in front of me with a dozen vampires that resemble a person I know all too well.  I watch them reach their hands and scream at the light, the look of hunger and anger in their eyes and desperate reaches to grab my ripped white T-shirt make me take a few steps back as I examine these demons more. Chiseled features from cheek to chin, brown chino eyes, the glow of they pale skin against the torch, roman nose, small ears, and curly brown hair, these faces are a reflection of me, but why are there tons of vampires that look exactly like me?

Out of fear, I surprisingly find a jug full of gas, so I pour it all over these demons, and throw the torch at them. All was bright and silent, they scream, but no sound. With emotions of sadness, fear, anger, uncomfort, ect. I 180, and book the hell out of there without any idea where I’m going, just darkens. I think about my life, why I’m here, where am I, I’m alone, and why, I think of my family, mom, dad, Ali(my brother), Cyndi(my sister), and Brooklyn( my nephew) running in the background with the dogs, kicking his soccer ball as the dogs chase behind. I want to go home, I want to be with my family, my love, I want the comfort, no more darkness. my loud steps of distress pound faster, faster in sync with loud pounds of my heart, breath after breath. Finally from the distance a small light appears and expands as my speed increases towards it’s warmth.

A desperate gasp for air, and quick jolt to a satiated position, I’m back in reality. The clock says 330 am.

“it’s only a dream.” I’m get up and wipe the sweat off my face with tissue in the bathroom. “what the fuck just happens?”

Just a dream, thank god.

In the morning I decided to look up the meaning to all of this I had. Apparently, a vampire means that something is a drain to your energy, deceit.  Well, as I begin to analyze the dream it occurs to me that I am my worst enemy. The vampires were me, so therefore I was draining myself. Putting that to perspective the fact that I burned them, represents a cleansing from this situation.

I am the type to over analyze  everything in my life. Plus all this analysis does bring me stress, but what am I doing to myself to bring about soo much pain? I talk to a friend, Jose, gentle giant of a  Puerto Rican man, with a sass that would bring a any one to shame, and young at heart, about the whole dream and my situation.

“Adyr, you’re my bro, and I i hate to tell you this, but you are a masochist, look I know you’re going through a lot right now, and believe me I know, but get up, live, forget the past it’s in the past,” he then lights another cigarette, inhales, and exhales, like and old glamorous actress from the 30’s. He has a way to make everything seem amazing with his attitude of “I don’t give a fuck”, as he crosses his legs, and proceeds.

“because you burnt the vampires and ran away, could mean that you are moving on and creating a new you.” I join him with a smoke and smile.

“you’re right, I am.”

It’s been about a month since that conversation and everyday I wake up with a thought of what I want. My routine of gym, emails, work, music, and writing, has made me feel soo much better. There have been days where I get sad and remember good times with friends, the ex, my grandmother, but like that damn song from “Frozen” says,” LET IT GO….” My heart hurts less and less by the day, and I look to the sky, sigh, then smile. I’ll be ok no matter what happens to my in life. Why am I running from my issues, I should and am facing them now. I haven’t had any alcohol and other chemicals to keep me occupied and it feels great.  It’s time to face everything head on like a fucking Greek Spartan, and destroy any issue at hand, but I would love to close the book with nic.  It would be amazing to have a cup of coffee and talk to him. Apologize for my baggage that I carried.

Its funny how sometimes we are a reflection of our past relationship. I never thought I would be selfish person, all my life I was selfless, kind, caring, basically and unicorn, hah. After my last, I noticed a change, a resentment in me that I carried for years. I vowed to never let anyone into my heart, and well, that fucked up many good experiences in life. I’m sure I let plenty of people down  for my selfish ways. There is no regret, but lessons learned for my actions, and it’s quite depressing and relieving at the same time. Man, even the greatest person in the world can be such an asshole. All I can do now is “LET IT GO.”‘

A few days ago I had another conversation with yet, another friend, Brad, model, Latino, tan, tall, hyperactive, light brown straight hair, and always moving around said,

“every lesson you learn, is a leaf on a tree, this tree is you inside, your soul, and is stands tall next to a stream, when a bad experience happens, its a leaf that falls into the river and floats away,” he giggles, takes a deep breath, “remember Adyr, always look at that leave and remember the issue you had and LET IT GO, the stream will cleanse it, let the good ones stay on the tree and stay green.” He’s right.  Well shit my tree must look like a winter oak, hahaha all leafless, j/k. His analogy puts a smile to my face.

All anyone can really do is learn and move on. I am a good person, with some issues, but dammit, like my name means, I’m amazing. Be amazing, like my dream, I’ll make it to the end of that tunnel and take in that sun.

Adyr you can do this, “LET IT GO”