Hello world!

by adyr123

The beginning of this year has been a big slap in the face for me. It’s funny how sometimes traumatic situations silently creep up at you when you least expect it, like a snake ready and waiting to snatch it’s prey, and inject it’s venom of emotional baggage that seeps through the body and paralyzing every action that you try to make.   Montclair california, the inland empire of suburbia, what was once the hot spot back in the 80’s, where every average local Empirate’s day off from high school, work, church, etc; would enter a building containing a clutter of shops,  to check out the local trends that “Hot Topic” has to sell, or some chachki high end rhine stone product created in china that “clairs” has to send, would sit and people watch, grab a bite, date, etc. known as the Montclair Plaza. Now, due to outlet malls, and Rancho Cucamongas Victoria Gardens, It’s a meer memory of it’s once glorious lights, and buzz, of cars, girls (or boys), and parties and Acapulco. I, on the other had, decide to avoid the cool corporate trends, and go to a high end restaurant just at the edge of the mall, with two friends, Marco and John, to Chili’s. Known for their baby back ribs, margaritas, and tobacco was my meal for that evening.   After 30 mins of waiting, smoking, ignorant looks from locals, Sarah, the hostess with 2 inches of eyeliner, seats us at what would be a large table to LA’s equivalent, but it’s for two here, hah.   “How you feeling,” Marco, about 5’10,” african american, husky and well educated, asks, “you haven’t been yourself lately, I can see you smile, laugh, but girl, you got sad all over your eyes.”   “I’m coping,” sip my margarita, smile my fake, customer service smile, and look to and my drink, then spin my straw,”It’s hard right now, but eventually I’ll survive.”   John, latino, white, blue eyed and also husky,  comments,”I went to get my nails done, and the vietamies guy told me that you have to have had at least one traumatic experience, whether death, lost love, etc. before or at 35 to make the rest of your life easier, other wise it’ll be hard.”   “well i got it in threes hahahah…..my grandma, ex, and home, i better win the mega millions after this.” we chatted more and laughed about all the memories and about people in our lives.   It’s funny, that comment my friend said about “before or at 35” really hit me quick. I made me feel a little better, as in i’ll be okay. It’s hard losing a very close loved on, my grandmother was like a mother to me she played a huge role in my childhood. the loss of her made me needy, I couldn’t be alone, i wanted to have someone hold me in bed and tell me it was going to be okay.   I was helpless, for the first time I knew i couldn’t do anything about the situation. As someone who wants to be in control of his life and every situation that comes, for the first time all I was able to do was watch, and that image haunts me.   10:10 pm in feb, It sits in my head. The smell of sanitizer, beeping of the oxygen tank around my grandmother. Nurses check her her pulse, seconds seem like years as you watch the cituation. All i can do is think, “be free,” i would say to her. The nurse checks her watch,   “it’s time, 10:10, she gone,” man longest seconds of my life. she’s free now.I miss her.  Soon after my ex, officially became the “ex,” I move to Chino, and collect every piece of my shattered heart and try to find out where my purpose is.   I got hit hard this year. that snake bit me and left me paralyzed. Sleep was little, hunger non-existent, my spelling gone, and cigarettes became my friend. Like Queen says “the show must go on,” man. I smile, laugh, workout, joke, but inside…..empty. I try to find a reason to excuse this emptiness, to say it’ll pass, Adyr, get up. Your life in LA, friends, well the ones i thought were, gone.  Life is cruel, but the strong will survive, I tell myself everyday.   This time, as of now, is a time to reflect on my past times, what i’ve done, said, practiced, etc. and as I do, i pick up my phone and want to call Nic, but what do you say to the ex, Hi i miss you, hows your day, any new tricks, ahahah. He was my best friend, my equal, and now that’s gone, fuck. well, my path of life has hit a huge wall that i’m breaking down slowly, and within that, slow collapse, I find internal issues about myself the i forgot about. It’s kind of a pleasure, although it’s painful, but it’s fixable. Life isn’t speeding up around me as i move in slow mo any more. I can find pleasure with myself alone, although tough at times, i’m not dying, hah. I hit my trauma this year, the rest of my life WILL BE A BREEZE.   I love you Adyr. Then i spit my mouthwash out, look at my reflection. smile and go to the gym.   love thyself