life does what it does

by adyr123

I realized that it has been years since i tickled the idea of a blog.

i journal from quill to parchment, quite dramatic in know, but not really, just pen to paper. i find it cleansing in that sense because i feel my soul’s actions and will as i write. it heals, soothes me, but now, i’ve have to make that decision to write back on this blog.

hello wordpress? how are you? still here in the digital ether i see. well i have a story to share.

recently life hit me with two towering moments. one, my job has one month left before it shuts down, and two, losing someone i deeply care about. i know the scene is set, the spotlight on me, the act begins.

the live action “little mermaid” played and the local theatre by my house. initially made plans to watch it with a handsome man called rick (quite generic, but confidentiality is key), we dated. he was about 5’10, blonde, muscular, blue eyed, great tan, and a smile that made the room light up, no lamp needed, hah. i liked him, very much, and the feelings felt mutual.

i saw the ad for showtimes, sighed, made a tiny smile, and remember his voice as he told me he would love to go together, on a drive to get a bite in my car. my heart pounded, not for joy, but for grief. i really liked him, i thought we could’ve worked. i saw potential and invested, but, it wasn’t not just my decision, he had a decision to, and i hoped it was mutual, but it wasn’t. i was shattered.

it was four years ago since my last relationship. i was pretty much domesticated. a house, dog, cat, yard, hedges for a fence, the dream was set. life, her, came and slapped me with and ending of that, and had to move on, and did, moved on from that and worked on myself to better me from the codependency that was visible for four years. told myself that the next relationship, after that past, would be the last (eye role). then rick came along.

from the first moment we met the connection was there, locked, set, and loaded. we talked, laughed, our hearts tingle (from what i was told) with every touch. we couldn’t get enough of each other. we got along great. i thought to myself, “this is my mate, my match,” but took it slow.

i hid just enough of my feelings to not scare the guy away. i did everything right, i loved again. feared it, but leaned into it.

“no regrets adyr,” was why mantra, “i have to sit this through,” and did, i showed him that he was safe with me, that he could confide in me, trust, and support. i was slowly falling for the guy.

its hard to say those words, love. its a scary word. to me, it means i lose my independence, i give my heart and soul to a person, with a risk that pain could arrive at any moment. that part, i hate, the pain, the heartache, that is a big fear to me, loss, especially to someone you have feelings for.

“just lean into it.”

well heartache came, and we dated for such a short time, approximately two and a half months. a powerful two and a half months might i add. it was magic, it was winning the lottery, i was rich.

the process of heartache is bad. no sleep, the thought of food makes me sick, water is my friend, exercise helps for an hour, and constant percolation of what he’s doing now enters my mind with a massive amount of anxiety.

“i have to go back to square one.” i told myself to the mirror, “adyr, you’ve survived Anthony (the one before rick), you can survive this.”

my question to this is why? why does life have to bring you something or someone so magical. then take it away? it’s like i’ve finally reached the top of my emotional mountain, and realize there’s more to climb before i can post my flag, then pose for instagram. why does that door of pain come back and suck everything in sight yet again? what the fuck.

i’ve done my work. i got my groove back, like Stella. kept my side of the street clean, gave my tithe, prayed, payed my fucking taxes, and lived with honesty, integrity, and accountability. what the fuck.

“well you need to find the lesson in this,” god that sentence is annoying but so true.

we were good, we seemed like a match. sure he had baggage, but perfection is not the main goal in this, companionship, yes, with a dash of independence, that i felt i gave him. then why?

i reflected on the question. then looked at the red flags, constant communication grew less and less from both initiates to what felt like just me, only he called me, i couldn’t, the excuses. like a good man, i looked passed it, and still showed love and compassion. i knew he was magical like me. saw it in his eyes, his soul, and saw his beautiful heart, yet, i felt he didn’t see it in himself.

it’s funny how the red flags show up during the healing process to make you realize more and more how much work this could be. i’m still healing, i’m eating again, and taking care of me. due to social media and other apps, i run into his picture, it’s ok though. its all a part of life and the modern age, but when do i fully heal?

CGV theatre in koreatown on a Monday by myself watching “The Little Mermaid.” Ariel sing as i eat my large bathtub of caramel/butter popcorn surrounded by people. prince Eric sings, i chew, Ursula binds a contract, then Ariel, and more of the cast sing, i grab a huge handful of popcorn and stuff my mouth, and cry my eyes out. it’s been 4 years since i shed a tear. i could only imagine the people around me as they watch this forty four year old man with a handful of popcorn, tears down his entire face, hiccups, gasps and all as Sebastian sings “under the sea.”

i cried, sobbed to be honest, because this was a plan between rick and me. this was supposed to be our date, and it didn’t happen.

mothers day, we cuddled, watched “Almost Australian,” and relaxed in his room on his murphy bed. he look so innocent as he rested his head on my chest. it felt safe. he woke, and we talked a bit. i told him how i felt, and we agreed on what i thought was, not the next level, but kinda keep it just us. the following day, the text came and i knew, just new. gutted would be a pleasure at this point. i cried, more and more in that theater. cried because i missed him. cried because not only was i dramatic, but fell for him. his charm, his youth like attitude, his kindness, and humour. reeled in like the fish in that movie. i also cried because i loved.

bam, like lightning, the answer came. i can love agian. that’s it. i can love again.

for years, prior to rick, i kept people at arms length after Anthony. scared of the pain people caused, but leaned in and loved. i was capable to love again, and it felt good.

once the movie ended, right at the credits, i ran out there faster than a Karen at a couch sale. embarrassed from the display of water works, and ran to my car, got on my phone, and talked to an old friend of mine.

i can love again.

sometimes life loves to hit with uppercuts, throw you around till you can’t breath, but hey, once you drop your guard and really see what is there, its never at you. its for you. the pain has grown less, yes, i’m not zombie anymore. what i carry with me is our good times, even if it was short, we have in my heart. thank you rick, thank you for the lesson, i love you papa.